Unwrap My Heart
Unwrap My Heart: or It’s Time for Mummies
By: Alex Falcone & Ezra Fox
“I could stare into the blank space where his eyes should be all day.”
My husband saw this book on TikTok and got it for me for Christmas. I had never heard of it before. (Perhaps if I had been privy to any TikTok hype my impression of it could have been different, but we’ll never know.)
But once I saw the blurb on the front calling the book ‘Unfortunate’ and saw that these two comedians and writers decided to give the people what they wanted: a love story about a girl who falls in love with a mummy, I was in!
It truly is the story no one asked for and they play the best parts up in the best way.
You don’t read this book because you want to read a love story. You read it because it’s absurd and the authors know it. It’s only 173 pages so they don’t even ask for a big time commitment.
(Plus the authors really did their research on tropes, because they even got the main character named Sofia which is one of my prompts for my Reading Challenge because every author has a book with a character named Sofia.)
I think my favorite part might be the fact that Sofia has no idea that Seth is a mummy. The eye voids, the dust, the body wrapping, the desert-y smell. He must be a hipster, she thinks. And I can totally see the correlation. Hipsters are their own breed for sure.
My second favorite thing was the African sacred ibis. If you know, you know. And I’ve played a lot of Wingspan, so I should have known, but I’m pretty sure the base game is only North American birds and my expansion is Asian birds so I think I’m off the hook on this one. But I should probably go check…
So yeah, the new kid in school is mysterious. They fall in love immediately. Her best friend is a boy who is also in love with her but has been friend-zoned. The boyfriend gets kidnapped and so her and her best friend obviously run head first into danger to save him. Throw in some Egyptian mythology and boom, you have yourself a one-of-a-kind love story.
But if you’re not a fan of magic, don’t worry… it’s ONLY in regards to mummies. So it’s fine.
The Rundown
Sofia’s main character trait can be summed up as such: ‘word vomit.’ As the reader we get to experience her running inner dialogue with herself, but she also just speaks her thoughts out loud with no filter or abbreviation so everyone in her life basically has the same information as us.
Her second main character trait is an overproduction of saliva which I can one hundred percent relate too. I personally sometimes refer to my mouth as a water trough, and that’s probably gross to share here, but in the service of transparency and sharing in Sofia’s fictional vulnerability, there ya go.
But she does love cats and hates mini golf, so though I can respect the author’s decision to make her a flawed character, they did make some sad choices in flaws and I’m working through it.
At the very least she has a realistic view of cats:
“Like most cats, he’s a narcoleptic sociopath…”
Her dad is a pretty awesome character. He’s a weatherman…
“My dad was tall with strong arms from pointing at maps that don’t exist.”
…with an affinity for Mace…
“‘Well just remember what I always say—’
’Yeah I know: Spare the Mace, spoil the boyfriend.’”
’Sometimes I think you want to solve all your problems with Mace.’
’Show me a problem that can’t be Maced, and I’ll show you a mugger with goggles.’”
… who gives great advice…
“‘If you feel stupid, it usually means you’ve learned something and you’re less stupid now.’”
Duncan is her friend-zoned admirer who can’t comprehend why she would rather love a mummy then him, her best friend who knows her so well and has been with her basically her whole life and through all the trauma of her mom walking out on her and her dad.
“I kinda sorta didn’t talk to Duncan at all for a few weeks. I felt more than a little bad. ‘A lot bad’ wouldn’t be overstating it, but it would be bad grammar.”
“I’m a living human your own age. That’s a huge thing right there: I’m alive. Isn’t that something you look for in a boyfriend?”
And then we have Seth, the dreamy mummy from thousands of years ago.
“One thing I knew for sure was how he made me feel. Different. Like tingly and allergic, but in a good way. I considered whether or not to tell him he seemed like benevolent ragweed and thought better of it.”
“How could you not trust those deep dark eye-areas and all that fabric hiding the area around them? He had honest eyeholes.”
But their love affair is not without its challenges. He keeps disappearing with no explanation, leaving Sofia hurt and confused.
“The love of my life was opening up to me about genealogy, and then I said something racist, and he was gone.”
“If he’s embarrassed to be kissing a girl who doesn’t wear cool bandages and dusty perfumes and know about other countries, that’s his problem.”
If the people who claimed to love her had just given her a smidge bit more information, they could have avoided a whole big mess of danger and violence. Per usual, without all the facts people do stupid things. Information is power. Speculation is worse than facts. Who knew?
“‘I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you everything sooner. I hoped I could avoid this kind of violent showdown by keeping you in the dark. I see now that this was the inevitable result of any relationship that lacks communication. Just stay calm and after we escape this, I’ll be open about my feelings and my needs. Promise.’”
Recommendation
I thought this was a funny, fun short read. It’s not a literary masterpiece. It’s not a heartfelt love story. But it’s a parody on the mythical creature love stories in a way that highlights some of the absurdity in these tropes.
There’s not really anything I took an issue with because my expectations were very low.
I get a kick out of reading some of the bad reviews because they complain that the book is stupid or that there is no character development or that the main character is so dense and correct me if I’m wrong… but is that not the point?
I perceive this book as a joke project the authors concocted while eating Chipotle and thought it would be hilarious to publish. I feel like they probably wrote it more for their own entertainment then to actually create a cult following for the mummy love story trope.
Don’t overthink it. Just accept it for what it is and have a good laugh and then move on with your life. It’s what they would want for you.
They actually said this: “If you do enjoy the book, please let us know! If you don’t enjoy it, remember that nobody needs another opinionated person and whoa re you really helping anyway.”
Again, it’s a short read and if you’re looking for a little chuckle in between reads, I would definitely recommend it!
[Content Advisory: a few swear words and some awkward inner thought speculation on sex with a mummy but nothing graphic and is presented in more of a humorous rather than erotic way]
*Official* Book Club Discussion Questions
I received a piece of paper with my book purchase that said:
“several people have told us they plan to read the book in a book club or with friends, so to make that experience worse we’re including our official discussion questions to get you started.”
I will share with you my favorites:
What was your favorite typo and why?
What would be the most difficult part of dating a mummy, aside from it being gross?
Were you able to maintain your own forced enjoyment the whole book or should it have been shorter?
Would the love triangle have been better or worse if it was a real triangle?
How are you doing? Like really. You okay?
Do you think other monsters exist in this universe? The answer is no.
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