Excuse Me While I Disappear
Excuse Me While I Disappear: Tales of Midlife Mayhem
By: Laurie Notaro
[Nominee for ‘Humor’ category of the 2022 Goodreads Choice Awards Reading Challenge]
[Fulfilled ‘Memoir by a non-celebrity’ for Shelf Reflection’s 2023 Reading Challenge]
“I am old, but I am alive.”
I have never read anything by Laurie Notaro before but she’s written several books, so you may be a fan.
I’m always up for a funny book. Granted these days it’s hard to find one without crass language and a ton of swearing. This book had 13 f-words and 44 s-words, and some, uh, detailed descriptions of arguably gross things.
I feel like I have to somewhat compare this book to Jenny Lawson’s book, Broken. They both had swearing and some crassness but I think I enjoyed Lawson’s book better.
I think the reason is because this book is about life after 50 which I have not yet achieved. There were definitely still things I could relate to, which I’ll talk about in a second, but in a lot of ways this book felt like a little bit TMI.
She divulges all the pros and cons of getting older. The difficulties of going gray. The perks of becoming invisible and therefore able to shoplift a bag of potatoes. The discomfort of going to the doctor. And more.
Plus her last chapter is a heartfelt tribute to her dog who is in the last stages of life. Dog-owners/lovers may have special attachments to that chapter.
“There are two old ladies living in my house, and neither one of us can figure out how we got here. One lives in a quiet, blurry fog, and the other watches, hoping that she can stretch time, wield it in some way that is impossible.”
So while most of it is meant to be funny, she does throw in some serious, existential bits regarding the end of life and such.
If you are a male I would definitely consider passing on this one unless you want to hear details about lady doctor visits and other lady things. It may make you uncomfortable.
If you are a female, especially over 50, this book may cause you to throw your hands up and say, ‘Preach woman’ because she just really gets you and all your new bodily dysfunctions.
If you are a female under 50 you may chuckle nervously and think, ‘Can’t wait til this may or may not happens to me’ or ‘Crap, this happened to me yesterday, I’m closer to 50 than I thought!’ Both of which may be too much for our precious thirties hearts right now.
So yes, a very niche book. Not for everyone.
The Relatable
“I’ve seen so much stuff that I had to purge 90 percent of my childhood memories from my brain in order to make room for passwords and PINs.”
Whoever uses different passwords for each place has got to be clinically insane. I’m actually surprised my identity hasn’t been stolen yet. Just my husband’s. Also I’m not willing to give up my childhood memories so I’ve settled on the short-term memory loss of wherever the heck my phone is at any given minute.
“I still call everyone ‘dude.’”
Dude. Me too.
“I order kids’ meals at restaurants, and the server just nods without question. Old lady. Little appetite, if she even lives through the meal.”
I can just picture myself eating chicken nuggets while workers side-eye me and wonder if they need to call 911.
“This manual for your disintegrating body will hopefully answer some questions you’ve had for a while— Hod do I get up off the floor? What was that popping noise? Should I call my doctor or my life insurance agent first? Do I have to shop at Chico’s now?”
A very practical list of questions. However, after three pregnancies, I am very resourceful when it comes to the first one and well-versed in the art of crawling to the nearest stable heave-up object. The popping noise is definitely going to be my knees, but if my husband has his way we will be living in a ranch house by then, which according to him is “a house you go to die in.’ Because no stairs. And my knees will have 20 less reasons to pop. I’ll probably call my doctor first because I don’t know who my life insurance agent is— I think that’s for my husband to figure out. And Chico’s? Or is it Talbot’s? I hope I know by then or that could be pretttty embarrassing…
“Yes, your hair is probably thinning. It doesn’t happen to everyone (my friend Jamie never met a drain she couldn’t choke to death with one good brushing)”
It’s me. I’m Jamie. And post-delivery my shower was basically a wig-making factory. Before I agreed to marry my husband I verified that he would be the official and solitary drain cleaner. Best ultimatum I ever gave.
“Basically, after a certain age you can pee anytime. You can pee during a sneeze, a cough, or a nice laugh."
She forgot throwing up. I’m also beginning to notice a pattern that if you’re pregnant or had more than one child, you’re basically middle-aged. When I was pregnant with my twins, my two girls were so used to this scenario that every time I threw up because of morning sickness they asked me- ‘Did you just pee your pants?’ Yes. Yes I did.
“How do I know I am middle-aged?… the first time you see something advertised and really want it, but then you immediately think about ways you could get hurt using it.”
I was just saying the other day that I know I’m getting older because there are certain things that just picturing myself doing makes me feel injured— i.e. doing a cartwheel or jumping off a swing. And in that way I would counter her statement and say that getting older INCREASES your fear. Fear of injury. That may be your only fear. But it is a real and viable fear.
“If I could do it all over again, in 2000, I would have scored the email address 1@gmail.com… Who has 1@gmail.com. and how much do you want for it?”
Ugh. I have to spell out my entire email address every time because people can’t spell very well. So whoever has this email: Whatever Notaro is paying you- I can quarter it!! Drop me a message.
“I’ll buy you a day-of-the-week pillbox if you stop.”
Her incentive to her husband to stop talking about old people things like orthotics, buffets, ointments, and AARP. Again, just recently as my husband and I were popping our numerous pills before bed and I pondered whether I had missed a day of taking one, I mentioned getting a pillbox. But my first memory of those is seeing them on both my grandparents’ kitchen tables and I am not grand enough for it. Sigh. A sign of my times.
“I went downstairs and got a cookie, then decided that I needed something salty to balance it. Ate half a pretzel, but the balance was off again, so ate another cookie.”
This is not a middle-age thing. This is just a fact of life. One must always balance salty and sweet or your entire body chemistry goes haywire. It’s science.
“MINI Cooper.”
It doesn’t matter what the context of these two words were in the book. It is the car that I was obsessed with for many years. And I still have a special place in my heart for these wonders (ahem, Italian Job), but I think you have to either be single or middle-aged to drive one now. Or British.
Other Funnies
I think one of my favorite parts of the book is her regaling us with her Nextdoor.com thread. Because of the ridiculous things her neighbors were posting about (like how dryer fumes were giving everyone cancer), she put out her own post: “Help! People have been walking in front of my house. This must stop. It’s driving my dog crazy.”
The responses. Oh my goodness. Internet comments are just its own literary genre that could be studied for centuries without any logical explanations. We all got words we want to say, but you gotta know when to hold them, know when to fold them. Know when to walk away, know when to run. And notice none of those say ‘type them.’ More often than not, it’s not going to be a good look for you. And your generation will suffer for it.
Her thread is proof.
I was excited the very next day that I read this I received an email with 20 Nextdoor.com notifications. I eagerly browsed through them for the first time in all my life hoping for some madness I could be party to. Unfortunately all of them were just lost pets and coyote sightings. And since I still have my Christmas lights up I don’t think I’m allowed to post anything.
But when I’m an empty nester I could totally see myself finding entertainment on neighborhood pages with sarcasm and fake complaints. If my husband lets me.
My second favorite part is all of her quotes from: “My mother, who wishes to remain anonymous”
And here are a few other quotes that made me laugh:
“‘For growing up in Arizona, you barely have any sun damage,’ she exclaimed, and at that I finally exhaled. ‘In 1981, punk rock happened, and we all went inside,’ I informed her.”
“Everyone in Arizona has skin cancer. It’s so common that it should really appear on the license plate instead of a cactus.”
“I bet it’s going to take a chunky woman with a big brain, swollen ankles, and a well-funded lab to figure out why losing weight after fifty is like scaling a glacier in flip-flops.”
“I held out on getting a smart TV because I couldn’t bear the htought of trying to figure out how to work it, and not only work it, but remember how to work it, and that, my friends, was the right thing to do.”
“I have had a husband for twenty-five years, which is way longer than most successful dictatorships, and my marriage is more complicated and has more moving parts, as you can probably guess.”
Recommendation
I can see how this one was nominated for Best Humor; I wouldn’t say it was a wrongful nomination.
But I’m not sure how often I’ll recommend this one. As I mentioned before, it feels like it’s written for a very specific audience.
For me, it got to be a little too much. Too much detail, and too much ‘mid-life aches and pain’ stuff. Kind of like how I sometimes get tired of Jim Gaffigan constantly making jokes about being fat. It’s funny at first but then you just kinda want them to move on.
Maybe I’ll appreciate it more when I’ve ascended the proper hill?
I’m not going to try to convince anyone to read this book, but if you think you are built for it, by all means, proceed. If you easily cringe or would like to stay naive about your near or not so near future, then you better pass.
(And if you decide not to read it, you should Google her Nextdoor thread. Apparently it had it’s own few minutes of Internet fame.)
**Received a copy via Amazon First Reads**
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