Gentleness

Fruitful Motherhood: Gentleness
By: Brittany Shields

Gentleness (/ˈjen(t)lnəs/): tenderness, reasonableness, meekness, humility, big-heartedness

“Gentleness will demonstrate respect for the personal dignity of the other person. Where necessary, it will seek to change a wrong opinion or attitude by persuasion and kindness, not by domination or intimidation.” (Bridges)

Discipline is a major part of parenting. Our kids are still learning what is right and wrong, good and bad.

But man, it takes a lot of repetition doesn’t it?

I admit that the exasperated version of me doesn’t look very gentle.

Thankfully, Jesus gives us a look at his heart, and from the outflow of him at work in our lives, we can become more tender with our children.

God is Gentle

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matt 11:28-30)

Dane Ortlund wrote a fantastic book called Gentle and Lowly. He points out that our hearts are the core of who we are; they “define and direct us.” And when Jesus reveals his heart in Scripture he calls himself gentle and lowly.

It means he is inclined to us. Our sin does not deter him. He desires to heal us. He is approachable. Our sins are what qualifies us to come to him.

“The cumulative testimony of the four gospels is that when Jesus Christ sees the fallenness of the world all about him, his deepest impulse, his most natural instinct, is to move toward that sin and suffering, not away from it.” (Ortlund)

The Israelite zealots were disappointed when Jesus didn’t come with sword and shield to overthrow the oppressive government.

But even though Jesus was not a warring Messiah saving his people from the temporary struggles of earth, he did far more. He saved them from eternal struggle and death. He never backed down from truth, but he was quick to forgive.

Prune

Sometimes my kids run away from me.

I might be playing with them. OR they might have just done something naughty.

Kids don’t like to get in trouble. And they think if they run away they can remove themselves from the wrath of Mom. But our house isn’t that big, and I can always find them!

There are many philosophies on spanking and I’m not advocating for any perspective here, but we do use spanking in our house. Strategically and not regularly, if we can help it. And always followed by a hug and the words “I love you, even when you disobey.”

But sometimes I think I spank sinfully. If I’m spanking in anger, I’m doing it wrong. I’ve had to apologize to my kids for my tone of voice and for spanking them in intimidation rather than correction.

My kids generally keep me accountable. I’ve definitely been told ‘I don’t like the way you’re talking to me!’ or ‘You hurt my feelings when you used that voice.’

And then I have to think back and evaluate the situation. Sometimes they feel offended even when I use an appropriately stern voice. Other times I really am disrespectful and harsh.

There are also times when my kids are trying to tell me something when I feel stressed and I interrupt them and tell them I can’t talk to them right now. Times I shut them down before they even get to finish their thought. I see their little faces fall and I know I have hurt them.

If I make them feel unheard or feel like I don’t care about their ideas or opinions, they won’t want to approach me anymore.

My job as a mom is correction. But in love.

I don’t want my children to be afraid of me. Or to feel like their bad choices turn me away from them. I don’t want them to flinch when I say their name or walk toward them. I don’t want them to lie to me about things they do because they are afraid of what I will do.

There is a balance between discipline and teaching them obedience and good choices and having mercy. They need to experience both.

“People are at rest, or at ease, around the Christian who is truly gentle.” (Bridges)

Are my kids at rest with me? Do my kids feel free to express their opinions or their thoughts with me? Am I being reasonable or inflexible?

If I want to be gentle and lowly like Jesus, I have to prune disrespect and angry discipline. I have to prune parenting that belittles or humiliates my kids or makes them feel unworthy of my love. I need to prune brash responses and intimidation.

Grow

Meekness and humility and tenderness are not signs of weakness. Meek means “controlled strength.”

It takes strength to be gentle. It takes strength to respond to sin with a gentle spirit. It takes strength to forgive and have mercy.

Controlled strength means that we use our strength appropriately. I like what this article says about gentleness. Doriani reminds us that both Jesus and Paul (who wrote Galatians) don’t always sound gentle when they address people. It’s good to keep in mind that gentle does not mean we do not assert truth and speak bluntly.

He differentiates being assertive from being self-assertive— the latter being contrary to gentleness.

Our gentleness as parents is very important. Bridges says,

“With our own kids... at the center, our job is to show our kids that even our best love is a shadow of a greater love. To put a sharper edge on it: to make the tender heart of Christ irresistible and unforgettable. Our goal is that our kids would leave house at eighteen and be unable to live the rest of their lives believing that their sins and sufferings repel Christ.”

Our kids learn so much from us about God’s character and how the world works. We can show them unreasonable wrath and probably change their behavior. Or we can show them controlled and calm discipline where they feel heard and loved.

“Gentleness is an active trait, describing the manner in which we should treat others. Meekness is a passive trait, describing the proper Christian response when others mistreat us.” (Bridges)

We grow in gentleness when we rein in our anger and make sure our tone, body language, and words portray the heart of Christ for sinners. Don’t break the bruised reed. (Is 42:2-3)

We grow in gentleness when we listen to our kids and value their opinions. My kids are young now but I know this will be even more important as they get older and start asking harder questions. I know that I am opinionated and I will have to make sure I’m not dogmatic with them (or anyone) and that I care about what they have to say.

We need to have dialogue with our children. We need to show them we are flexible and reasonable. Of course, that doesn’t mean we compromise on what is true, but in humility we acknowledge where we don’t know everything or where we could be wrong. And we always hold up everything to God’s Word.

We are assertive but not self-assertive.

We grow in gentleness when we study Jesus and how he treats people.

Maybe we don’t have the right view of God. Do we see him as gentle and lowly? Or authoritative and domineering? Do we have a disenchanted or cynical view of Christ? Do we feel we have ruined a relationship with him beyond repair? Or do we feel like we can come to him, burdens and all, and find rest?

If we don’t have a right relationship and posture to God, how can we show a godly heart to our children?

I need to tune into the Holy Spirit who lives in me and let him show me his heart. I need his strength and calm when I respond to me kids. I suspect it has a lot to do with the last fruit of the spirit…

Nourish and Fortify

Fruit doesn’t grow without nourishment and water.

Jesus is the light, the living water, and our daily bread.

Reflect on these verses from his word that will help us bear fruit.

“Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.” (James 3:13-17)

“All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out.” (Jn 6:37)

“Though the Lord is high, he regards the lowly…” (Ps 138:6)

“For thus says the One who is high and lifted up, who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy: ‘I dwell in the high and holy place, and also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly, and to revive the heart of the contrite.” (Is 57:15)

“But in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect.” (1 Pt 3:15)

“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Prov 15:11)

“And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness.” (2 Tim 2:24-25)

“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” (James 1:19-20)

“Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not become partners with them; for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord.” (Eph 5:6-10)

Pray

Dear God,

Thank you for showing me your heart. You are for me, not against me. Sometimes I feel like I disappoint you and that you’re angry with me. But your heart is for me. Thank you for your forgiveness, for your healing. Thank you for beckoning me to come to you especially when I don’t have my life together.

You are holy and perfect. You are perfectly just, loving, merciful, and gracious. There is nothing I can do to keep me from your love. That’s amazing!

I confess that sometimes I make my kids feel like their bad choices can keep them from my love. Sometimes I deal with them harshly. Help me to treat them with respect and love, even when I discipline. Help me to show them that my love and your love is unconditional. That we will never turn them away.

Give me a calm demeanor and tender words. Help me to forgive.

I thank you for your truth and our ability to know it. But my pride can make me dogmatic in my opinions. I know I don’t know everything. But sometimes I act like that, and that’s not right. Give me humility to listen to others and consider their thoughts. Hone my knowledge through other people and help me learn from others, especially my kids!

I want to boldly proclaim truth but not assert myself. Help me to speak to the glory of your name.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen

Books Referenced:

The Fruitful Life: The Overflow of God’s Love Through You by Jerry Bridges

The Fruit of the Spirit: Walk by the Spirit, Bear His Fruit by Sarah Morrison (The Daily Grace Co.)

Gentle and Lowly: The Heart of Christ for Sinners and Sufferers by Dane Ortlund

Share this blog series to your social media!