Where I End
Where I End: A Story of Tragedy, Truth, and Rebellious Hope
By: Katherine Elizabeth Clark
“In God’s vast mercy, we live the stories of our lives one page at a time. For sometimes a chapter so painful will come, we are tempted to lament that we’d even started the story. But when we bear the sorrow, one sorrow at a time, honestly and with a measure of rebellious hope, instead of becoming paralyzed or mending crooked, we come through with a quiet strength, a peculiar beauty that only sorrow can forge.”
I found this book on Amazon and basically ordered it arbitrarily.
What a great find!
This is not only a telling of the story of an event that completely changed her life, but it is much more than that. It is a gospel-centered, straightforward look at pain and grief and how we are called to live it.
Kate was playing with the children at recess at her kids’ school when a boy jumped from a play structure and landed right on her head. It crushed something in her spinal cord and paralyzed her from the neck down.
She tells us of the incident, the aftermath, the rehabilitation, and the spiritual journey her family walked because of it.
It is an incredible story, to be sure, but I love how, in sharing her suffering, she is true to her own words about grief: “its role is never that of the star, nor does it play the part of the savior.” We still hear her heart and journey from grief to hope, but none of that overshadows the gospel message.
Just look at the title: “Where I End.” At some point we recognize we are not writing our own stories, God has written us into His. When we come to the end of ourselves, often through pain and suffering, we find rest in God, trusting him with everything we have. We see our grief a little clearer.
Though not necessarily as meaty or witty as Jen Wilkin’s writing, I did find Kate’s writing style to be fairly similar. She is intelligent, easy to follow, and willing to challenge us bluntly. This was not a fluffy or high-emotion book. Emotion is not absent by any means— as a mom it broke my heart to enter into her grief thinking about the things she couldn’t do with and for her kids. To see your kids grieving your accident and not be able to hug them or wipe their tears. Man, if that doesn’t just rip your heart out. But she never got carried away with her feelings. She was transparent yet strong.
She rightfully illuminates two different, and equally wrong, responses to grief. One where our sadness becomes our best companion, our truest identity. Or one where we decide to skip over grief and shield ourselves from it, playing a game of make-believe that hardens our heart to feeling. Neither is biblical.
As Kate points out, we see lament in Scripture. Even as Jesus knew he would raise Lazarus from the dead, he did not skip over tears. He wept. There is a biblical place for sadness and grief where we recognize feelings that are real and true, but that don’t pull us away from our truest hope. We acknowledge the pain for what it is, but we don’t allow ourselves to be trapped in despair.
One part that really struck me was when she talked about her experience taking communion after her accident. Having endured months of physical therapy learning how to walk and do simple tasks, feeling the claustrophobia of a body that isn’t working properly, she accepts the bread and the cup as her husband says, “The body of Christ broken for you.”
Christ’s broken body. Broken for us.
He is with us in our pain. We share in his suffering.
She goes on to talk about how humbling it is when you must rely on others for everything, especially things like bathing and going to the bathroom. The vulnerability and loss of dignity.
But she says:
“What if Jesus had placed dignity above brokenness? If He had claimed His right to be right? Jesus could have rejected the suffering and humiliation of the cross. Yet he knew there was a flood of joy that would follow and swallowed His and our shame. He chose this joy over respectability, above what the world perceives as greatness and strength.”
Wow. Isn’t it incredible that a King gave up his dignity for brokenness? All for love of a people who rejected him. He turns worldly perceptions on their head. Grief, pain, and suffering are real, there is no doubt, but they aren’t what the world tells us they are. Can we learn from Christ’s example to endure what God writes for us— for joy and his glory?
One more thing I’ll share that I appreciated.
The question ‘Why?’ is always tethered to tragedy and suffering. But it’s not a helpful question! We don’t always get those answers. She shares what preacher Helmut Thielke (preaching in Europe in the aftermath of WWII) says we must ask instead- ‘To what end?’ She expounds,
“‘Why?’ turns us inward… Stuffing ourselves with self, we are ushered into a corridor of self-pity with its close companions, misery and bitterness. The question ‘To what end?’ however, turns our hearts back to our kindhearted Father who bids us come, to trust in Him, to rest in His promise that though sadness and grief, pain and hardship are ever with us now, He sees and is all the time working powerfully toward ends that are good, ends that are more beautiful and impossible than we could ever imagine… Rather than take the position of accuser, which leads us to discouragement and despair, we must set our eyes on Jesus and the ends for which He calls us.”
This is a gem of a book with a gospel-centered message from an author who knows pain and grief but has put it in its proper place. I highly recommend.
Two other books similar to this one that I loved:
Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy by Mark Vroegop- shares his story of grief in light of the biblical example of lament.
It’s Not Supposed to be This Way by Lysa TerKeurst- shares her pain with beautiful pottery analogies: sometimes we must be shattered to be made into something new
Here are a few more quotes from Where I End:
“In our distress, we either find solace by remembering who we need and to whom we belong, or we choose the path of despair, refusing to be gathered into the arms of the Father.”
“God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn’t…He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down.” - C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
“Hope is the continuance, the expression of faith. It’s not the same as optimism where one closes her eyes, covers her ears, and thinks positive thoughts. Hope does not double as wishing, the whimsical tossing of pennies into a fountain. Forced or contrived ‘hope’ exposes its inferior underbelly with hope for rain, hope the cake turns out, that we miss traffic, or ‘have a good day’, biblical goodness is far more concrete. (Heb 11:1) Biblical hope speaks to the believer of assurance and expectation.”
“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”
“You will have found Christ when you are concerned with other people’s suffering and not your own.” - Flannery O’Connor
“There are moments in life when we must all come to terms with our smallness and fragility. Moments of truth when our hearts are recalibrated. Trifling anxieties and fears we’ve been collecting and hoarding lose their color. Folly is laid bare. The shallows of our heart make way for the deep. Our need for mercy and for someone to come and rescue us is brought into the light. In these moments, we are not, as some might presume, ashamed. Quite the opposite. Shedding the falsehood of autonomy and self-sufficiency, we can receive the love of Jesus and of others.”
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