The Honest Griever

The Honest Griever: Truths God Teaches on the Journey from Pain to Purpose
By: Lynne Hoeksema

Being an ‘honest’ griever is harder than you would think. Hoeksema is truly transparent as she shares her journey, even the thoughts that we all think but are too afraid to voice. But how important it is to be honest in order to rightly process the journeys we are on!

I would say the primary audience for this book is widows, but it is yet necessary for others struggling with loss or close to someone who is. And honestly, we will all grieve deeply at some point in our lives if we haven’t already so this book is a good way to bury the truths in our hearts that we will need down the road.

What I liked most about this book was that she was not prescribing the ‘proper’ way to do anything. She consistently acknowledged the variety of situations and factors that play into everyone’s experiences and emphasized the importance of doing what you personally need to do. We humans, and I think women especially, have an incredible ability to compare EVERYTHING. And grief is no different. Having gone through my own loss, even then you look at others who have gone through similar things and it’s easy to think, ‘Should I be feeling that instead?’ ‘Am I doing this wrong?’ ‘Why can’t I handle this like them?’ But, no, Hoeksema gives us the freedom to have our own journey void of comparison which is a beautiful thing.

I also appreciated her blurb on loneliness. A truly under-talked about topic that affects the majority of the population whether we are grieving or not. It is so prevalent and so harmful that we would do well to be more intentional about caring for people and being present in their lives.

There are a lot of topics and avenues the author covers in this book and as she notes, it is not written chronologically. Even with the inclusion of periodic blog posts (which I think may have been more helpful to have them italicized to help us follow along) I think it added an element of authenticity. I don’t think grief ever feels chronological as you experience it. It’s a roller coaster of emotions, ups and downs. I think she chose rightly to organize the book as she did.

Lastly, the most important aspect of this book is the Christ-centeredness. Because our hope and confidence in future joy (and really anything) is grounded in faith in Him who is sovereign over all. And if we don’t have that, all other attempts to find a ‘silver lining’ are in vain. I think we all know the volatility of our feelings. I love this quote from the book about how we are to deal with our emotions in light of our faith in God, especially in the midst of suffering:

“I’m not saying we ignore our emotions, or fail to validate someone else’s. God did create us with those emotions. What I am proposing, however, is that we limit the power they have over us by switching our focus to God’s power. When you feel your emotions sending you on a downward spiral, consciously and purposefully meditate on the Good News of the Gospel.”

It’s so important to have our focus in the right place because that downward spiral is powerful and sneaky. What a great reminder to meditate on the Gospel and center ourselves on truth!

All in all, a valuable and important book for wherever you are at in life that will either help you through your own grief (now or later) or help you understand a loved one going through loss.

[One side unimportant comment about layout- I read the ebook so I don’t know how the print book lays out but there are a few images in the book that appeared small in the eversion. I was able to zoom in and see them clear enough but I am unsure how those will look in a printed version.]