The Expectation Gap
The Expectation Gap: Change Your Expectations to Transform Your Relationships
By: Jamie Hallman
“There is often a major gap between the expectations we hold and the reality of what we experience. This gap is what causes so much of the discomfort and discontentment we feel, especially in our relationships.”
Jamie Hallman has written The Expectation Gap to help readers understand how their unmet, and often unknown expectations, are affecting their relationships, often causing tension and deterioration.
There are a lot of great insights in this book that will definitely help shift mindsets when arguments or hurts occur, curb reactions, and help direct attention to the real problems and not just the symptoms of the problems.
What is at the heart of most issues in our relationships?
Hallman poses: expectations, and therefore, unmet expectations.
Hallman’s position is correct. Yet, I think we could go even deeper and talk about how our expectations are formed by our needs. We expect certain treatment or behaviors because we may have a need to feel accepted, or appreciated, or loved, or useful. We may need trust or commitment or grace. The list goes on.
I recently attended a marriage workshop that talked about a relationship’s ‘fear cycle’ in which we are triggered by certain behaviors because of our fear of our needs not being met which in turn can trigger the other person’s buttons because of their fear of their needs not being met. A lot of what Jamie discusses in her book aligns with that observation.
She says, “Simply put, expectations are based on what we imagine, hope, guess, or want to happen rather than what actually is.”
Expectations created out of our needs, placed with fear, and then unmet can cause a lot of problems.
The outline and purpose of the book is this:
“By the end of this book you’ll be able to: define and identify your expectations, set realistic expectations, communicate them, and experience healthier relationships, more personal freedom, and peace.”
To this end, she did a great job of informing us about the psychology of expectations and seeing how it affects our relationships. She gives good examples from her own life and gives some guidance on helping us identify our own blindspots. She points out expectations that may not be realistic and or that may need to be adjusted.
There are application sections after each chapter that are really important to put things into practice. I tended to view them in light of my marriage, which I found very helpful, but I think they can easily be applied to friendships, relationships at work or even with your kids. They will have the most impact if you are willing to put in the work and have these conversations or write things down. Take the abstract and make it concrete. Make it actionable.
In her book Jamie talks about the positive and negative elements of expectations.
“Expectations serve a purpose. At their best, they allow us to hope and strive for more, to look forward to what happens next, to mentally prepare us for certain scenarios and can even help us achieve a certain level of growth and success. At their worst though, they can lead to disillusionment and resentment, destroy relationships and cause feelings of anger and disappointment.”
She talks about where expectations meet perceptions.
“There is proof that how we perceive something affects our experience of that very thing regardless of the facts surrounding it.”
Knowing this, then, she says “…expectations create perception.”
She talks about the science behind expectations.
I was a Psychology minor in college and so I really enjoyed the chapters in her book that talked about different studies that were done that inform us on how expectations and brain function.
I don’t know if I felt surprised by anything she revealed, as they were things I had kinda already known about. But nonetheless they were good reminders and still interesting to read about.
For example, our brains our very powerful because of their neuroplasticity, which is basically the fact that our thoughts can literally change the structure and function of our brains. That can be to the good or to the bad. Our self-talk seems inconsequential but it can actually really make a difference.
Then there’s the Pygmalion Effect. Robert Rosenthal said of this, “the bottom line is that if we expect certain behaviors from people, we treat them differently— and that treatment is likely to affect their behavior.”
I think this is a really important thing in relationships to be sure, but also just in today’s victimhood culture in general. One of the studies she shared told of teachers in a classroom looking at students’ growth over the course of the year. They were told which students were expected to experience a lot of growth that year and those students did! But they were picked at random. The teacher treated them different because of the expectation which then influenced how the students responded to that treatment.
If you tell kids they are smart and they can do hard things, they will rise to it. If you tell kids they are disadvantaged and growth is limited, they will most likely remain stagnant. (The Golem Effect)
If applied to marriage, or even my marriage specifically, if I expect my husband to get mad about something ‘like he always does’ then when that situation comes up again, I’m going to perceive things through that lens when that might not even be the case.
I related a lot to her honesty in some of the friendships she had or the perceptions she had of women going into new environments. She talks about how she has a lot of different interests than most women and often felt like no one understood her or she wouldn’t be able to connect to anyone because she was too different. So she would go into these gatherings expecting that and then perceiving these women through that lens of difference and negativity which hindered her ability to make friendships. It became a self-fulfilling prophecy.
“I do not have to have x amount of things in common with someone or be fully understood by them, to love them or be loved by them.”
I think I have a tendency to do that too. Those were expectations I had of others that I didn’t really realize, and it was a good aha moment.
Another thing that stuck out to me was this:
“Instead of focusing on the reality of who we both were and what I knew to be true, I started creating my own version of the truth, and it put us both on the losing team.”
This was something I had spoken with my own counselor about. When an argument occurs or something happens that upsets me, I have to stop and ask- what is the story I’m telling myself?
For example, I made supper one night— miracle— and when my husband went to dish his out he said, ‘Is this what it’s supposed to look like?’ And I instantly reacted in anger and frustration. How dare he criticize my meal I worked so hard to make? I felt hurt and I told myself I wasn’t a good wife or a good mom and he didn’t appreciate anything I did and didn’t know hard it was for me and on and on. The story I told myself was that him questioning my meal meant he viewed me as incompetent and a bad cook and that he didn’t care about me. The reality? He just thought it looked different than the last time I made and was curious if something new was in it.
Or when my husband forgot to take the trash out… again… the story I often told myself was that he didn’t care about me or our family or he would try harder to remember.
The stories I told myself were not true but they became my reality and derailed the situations pretty quickly.
Her chapter on communicating our expectations is important because it’s not enough to just ‘know’ about stuff. A relationship involves two people. One of the pieces of marriage advice I always give is: Ask for what you want because your spouse cannot read your mind and what seems obvious to you, is not a given.
It’s annoying, but it’s reality. If I expect my husband to take the pile of stuff upstairs with him that’s been sitting on the stairs all week, he really has no idea, and it won’t get done. I need to ask him to do it. I can’t fume all week because he didn’t meet that expectation that I never voiced.
“When you let others in on your expectations and viewpoint, it tends to either create resolution through change or at the very worst relieve you of the burden of carrying it.”
Plus if you are communicating your expectation, you are getting input.
I thought it was good that Hallman reiterated that just because we have a want, a need, or an expectation doesn’t mean that we are right to have it or that it is a good one. By talking through our expectations with the other person we can determine- is this a fair, realistic, healthy expectation?
“It is not fair to take a personal desire and make it a requirement, especially if unvoiced to the person it is being placed upon.”
Following that train of thought, she links hiding your expectations with hiding your true self.
“Even if some do like the fake version of who you present yourself to be, how does that truly leave you feeling? I’m guessing it is not accepted, loved and happy because you know the person they have accepted is not truly you, so it is not true acceptance.”
I can see where she’s coming from with this, but I also couldn’t help but think about this in terms of relationships strained because of different beliefs about LGBTQ+ things. ‘Accepting’ someone can mean a lot of different things and tends to be a buzzword.
I think we have to be careful when using verbiage like ‘acceptance’ and ‘true you.’ What the culture defines as authentic and true does not always line up with Scripture.
I definitely agree that expectations should be communicated and people should share their true feelings. But a feeling is not always truth.
She does have some clarifying words that I thought were helpful in understanding her message:
“I hope you see just how vital it is that you begin communicating your true expectations and feelings with others, as well as yourself. This is not because you are right and everyone needs to cater to what you want. It is so that you can be honest about who you are and what you most want and need.”
“Somewhere along the way, our culture has bought into the lie that we must agree with others to be in true relationship with them.”
Though Jamie uses some Bible references and states upfront that “My relationships with Jesus Christ is the single most impactful thing in my life. I strongly believe that this relationship is what has allowed me to accept and apply these truths I’ve learned…” overall the book is written in a way that is meant to be for a more universal readership. Meaning, you don’t have to be a Christian to benefit from and use this knowledge. For better or worse, she’s not ‘preaching.’
I understand this design because she wants to keep her market broad and help the most people that she can.
But at the same time, there are going to be aspects of this that come to a head— like in terms of acceptance and true self— where a Christian would move forward one way because of God’s Word and the leading of the Holy Spirit and a non-believer would move a different way.
Learning about expectations and everything Jamie talks about is really good and practical and helpful, but really it can only do so much if it’s not grounded in Truth and based on the knowledge of where our identity is and why it matters. Sacrifice and love are rooted in Christ. We have grace for unmet expectations because we know that God gives us everything we need. We don’t NEED anything from our spouse or our friends because God is enough for us. That’s the freedom.
“Peace is found where expectations meet grace.”
Christ’s example is also the why. We love because he first loved us. We sacrifice and put others first because Jesus showed us how. We love because the other person is made in the image of God. If we don’t have that foundation then what really is the why? And is it sustainable?
We are selfish creatures. It’s probably safe to say that most, if not all, of our expectations are selfish in some way. Selflessness and humility are not innate in us. We can’t just ‘be better’ on our own. We need help. Outside of ourselves.
I was happy to see that Jamie included something along those lines at the end of her book. She recognizes and shares that you can have all the tools in the world but the most impactful thing you can do is trust in the power of Christ and the Holy Spirit to do a good work in us. To enable us to put others first. To enable us to choose true and right expectations even when it goes against our feelings.
We are finite creatures with a disposition to selfishness and self-preservation. We are weak to do anything on our own. Books like this are still really good because in the practical day-to-day it gives us action steps and a template for our conversations. But at the base of it, we need something more and hopefully readers will take Jamie’s advice and consider learning more about Jesus as they finish her book.
A few other books I would recommend:
Everybody Fights: Why Not Get Better at It? by Kim & Penn Holderness (This is also a fairly universal handling of this topic and provides practical tips on the actual communicating part of it.)
Lies We Believe by Chris Thurman (I’m currently reading this one; is helpful in knowing what expectations are healthy or if they’re based on a lie we believe about who we are or what we need)
Love Focused by Bob & Judy Hughes (On my TBR but comes highly recommended by many, including my mom…)
Do Not Be True to Yourself: Countercultural Advice for the Rest of Your Life by Kevin DeYoung (This is not particularly focused on relationships or marriage, but does speak into how we identify some of the desires we have that we may NOT want to be true to.)
A sidenote I wanted to make about the book itself. When I communicated with the author before agreeing to read the book, she shared something she had posted on her Instagram page. She chose to publish this book without test readers or professional editing.
“…in a time where we tend to over-filter and over-analyze everything, from our social media posts to our conversations, I wanted to share myself with others in a completely authentic, pure, and raw way. This was my chance to share the lessons I have learned without asking the world for its permission first, without changing or editing it to gain more approval or acceptance. This book was an opportunity to acknowledge both my value and the value of my experience independent of outside influences.”
I respect her decision to do this. I was actually expecting a lot of errors in the writing or fluff in the content because of this, but I only found a couple mistakes. For not being ‘a professional,’ the content was good and the research was strong.
The margins are a bit small and the paragraph breaks could have been more frequent for ‘reading comfort’ but those are small formatting issues.
Overall, I am impressed with the quality of the book that she put together and I admire that she took the plunge, trusting that God would get her book in the hands that needed it, that she wasn’t going to curate a book fit for the masses, but put out there what God was putting on her heart in a transparent and raw way.
“I guess I wanted to prove that regardless of what the book publishing industry says, you do not need a PhD or a million followers or a perfectly written manuscript in order to have something of value to say and share. My goal in writing this book was not to compromise on my message to reach as many people as possible but to be authentic to the message I have to share to make the most impact for the few who do read it.”
Recommendation
I would definitely recommend this book. It’s short and very practical. It’s not magic or a secret weapon, but it’s really good advice and instruction that I’ve heard echoed and validated that will help the way you interact in your relationships.
Expectations, whether met or unmet, are a reality. And they truly do play a big role in our conflicts. Getting a handle on them is a very worthwhile way to spend your time and I do think your relationships will be healthier for it.
As I mentioned that this wasn’t an entirely gospel-centered book regarding the topic, I would recommend it be read in conjunction with some others because I believe it’s effectiveness is limited without Christ and the Holy Spirit. But even if you opt not to read anything else, you won’t come away empty.
**Received a copy via the author in exchange for an honest review*
You can order a copy of this book using my affiliate link below.
Share this book review to your social media!