Spare
Spare
By: Prince Harry
[Fulfilled ‘A book related to the royal family’ for Shelf Reflection’s 2023 Reading Challenge]
[On my list of Most Anticipated Books of 2023]
[This book was nominated for the ‘Best Memoir/Autobiography’ category of the 2023 Goodreads Choice Awards Reading Challenge ]
“If they didn’t know why I’d left, maybe they just didn’t know me. At all. And maybe they never really did.”
I’ll begin my review with a disclaimer and context for my thoughts on this book: I am not a Royal Family junkie. I don’t keep up with their news. I didn’t watch any of the royal weddings. I visited London but didn’t care to wait in line to see the crowned jewels. I have a natural curiosity and am intrigued by the concept of a royal family in modern day and what that looks like, how they live, what they do, etc. so I’ve watched some of The Crown on Netflix. But I’m pretty ignorant of RF news.
I didn’t follow the Harry and Meghan drama. Thinking back when it was all happening, I think I had a negative opinion of them, but I couldn’t really tell you why. I think I thought they left the family because they thought members of the family were racist and that’s it. I didn’t look into it; I didn’t know details; and I was a bit tired of everyone being called a racist for every little thing so I think I assumed they were taking major offense at a minor infraction.
I decided to read this book because I had just gotten to the Princess Diana part of The Crown and I wondered if Harry would talk about his mom. I also figured I could learn more about Harry and Meghan’s exodus right from the horse’s mouth.
While the book was not really riveting or endearing to me, and I’ll explain more on that, I am glad I read it.
It’s basically a hate letter to the press slash processing of his grief over his mom’s death with some biographical information on Harry’s military career, his drug and alcohol use, and series of girlfriends. And yes, the last bit of it does give more insight on the Harry/Meghan drama.
I think some people will like reading the book, and some won’t. There is some value in reading it just to get Harry’s side of things, but it does get a little boring.
Just as Harry is surrounded by controversy and opinions, so is his book. I read many reviews of the book and there seemed to be some similar criticisms.
So let’s get into all the things!
One more disclaimer: I’m not going to add this throughout the review, but much of my opinions are based on the assumption that Harry is telling the truth, but I can’t begin every sentence with ‘If what Harry says is true’ so we will just assume that caveat.
The Press is the Worst
I felt enraged reading this book in terms of the press. I am pro-freedom-of-the-press because I think it’s important to have a way for citizens to get unbiased and true information that the government may want to hide. But ‘unbiased’ and ‘true’ appear to be values the press no longer abides by. The media seems to have a sense of entitlement to a story and believe the laws don’t apply to them if they are chasing a story—supposedly the truth.
The most egregious act of the press in Harry’s life is the death of his mom which was a car accident suspected to be caused by paparazzi chasing her through a tunnel. And not only did they most likely cause the crash, but instead of helping they stood by snapping pictures.
Being part of the Royal Family and in the public eye, it is inevitable that you will have to deal with the press. Celebrities everywhere understand that to be famous means to give up some of their privacy. But it is evident that the press crosses lines when they print lies, when they trespass, when they bribe, etc.
I don’t know how you can actually regulate this in an appropriate way, but why can’t the press just leave people alone unless there’s something citizens actually need to know about?! Sure, if there is illegal business going on, figure it out. But whether or not Meghan made Kate cry about bridesmaids dresses or what grades Harry got in school, really does not matter. Why would we need to have drama stirred up about that? It’s stupid.
Most of the ‘stories’ the press pursue about the Royal Family seem stupid. Who cares?
And that’s the theme throughout Harry’s book. Time and time again he exposes actions and words printed by the paparazzi that were out of line and libelous. Yet there was no recourse. When they were confronted: “They. Did. Not. Care.”
And I feel his frustration.
“The press show no shame.” he says. And it’s true.
He battles the press his whole life. It builds and builds and builds. And it comes to a head when his wife Meghan is caught in the crosshairs. His family may have made a few comments here and there where you’d say- ‘Yeah, you can’t say that.’ but most of the racism seemed to stem from the press and people at large. And comments on the RF Facebook page.
Where his family goes the most wrong is not standing up for the truth, not standing up for Harry or his wife. Not defending Meghan or correcting them when they got things wrong. They didn’t even remove the offensive comments from their page (at least at the time Harry was writing). Their motto is apparently, “Don’t complain, don’t explain.”
And even though William and Charles were allowed to sue the press at various times, Harry was told he could not take that recourse.
He saw the terrible things Meghan had to endure and felt trapped in a place where they couldn’t do or say anything about it.
I can see how the compounding of a variety of things over time led Harry to be done. It wasn’t an abrupt decision. It wasn’t rash. It was made in desperation. He tried to resolve it privately by requesting to have a season of time away from Britain each year as part of his ‘employment’ with the Crown and a way to escape the press.
There was a Five Option discussion that was had- 1 being nothing really changes and we just try to ignore the tabloids, 5 being renouncing the Crown and losing his title, security, and financial stipend, and then the other options somewhere in between.
But according to Harry, there was not much discussion— if it wasn’t Option 1, it was 5.
I’m with Harry that somehow there has to be enforceable boundaries for the press and accountability for what they write. There has to be something more than just ‘Sorry, you’re famous, you have to deal with it.’ Sharing his address when he’s on vacation should have ramifications. Releasing information about his whereabouts while he’s serving in a war should have ramifications. Printing straight out lies should have ramifications.
Because I felt the desperation Harry writes about and because I care so much about truth and protecting even the concept of truth, reading this book made my blood boil too. In that sense, it was not pleasant to read and I was ready for a change of book by the end where I could relax.
Princess Diana
Another main component of this book is his recollections of his mom and the fierce grief he still holds from her death. She died when he was 12. But he never got to process his grief. He references the very British way of not showing emotion (this was portrayed in The Crown as well). He talks about the lack of physical comfort he received from his father.
It didn’t take long from him to get labeled as the naughty one compared to his older brother.
“Naughty became the tide I swam against, the headwind I flew against, the daily expectation I could never hope to shake. I didn’t want to be naughty. I wanted to be noble.”
His use of drugs and alcohol stem from his failure to cope with his feelings and having no one to talk to or confide in.
He eventually sees several different therapists and finds one that helps him sort it all out. So there is a thread of mental health and sharing how getting outside help was vital to his well-being.
“Grief is a thing best shared.”
I still think that the way he talks about drugs and alcohol is a bit flippant and I’m tired of reading about celebrities when most of their stories involve substances controlled or otherwise. Even if you aren’t an addict by definition, drugs and alcohol really taint your life and your relationships. They are not merely a form of recreation. I didn’t feel like he really condemned their use to the degree with which I would want them to be.
As for his mom, the globally loved Princess Di…
“The most recognizable woman on the planet, one of the most beloved, my mother was simply indescribable, that was the plain truth.”
… I’m not sure the book delivers much on that. There are a few stories he tells and some published stories that he corrects or denies, but if you’re reading this book to read more about her, you’ll probably be disappointed. After all, he has less than 12 years of memories and he was a kid. He can only tell us so much.
But he does reveal that he gained access to some of the police files on her death and saw some photos that were pretty traumatic.
He talks about how, as a kid, he told himself that his mom had just disappeared. She didn’t really die. He never had any closure and he was convinced she just went into hiding because of the paparazzi and she would come back to them. But then he struggled with the thought that she wouldn’t knowingly put them through that pain. Maybe she really did die.
Much of his life thus far has been coming to terms with her loss and how he coped (or didn’t cope) with that loss.
The PTSD from that loss resurfaced when it seemed like his wife, Meghan, was getting hounded by the press just like his mom was. He could see history repeating itself and that wasn’t an option for him. He would do whatever it took to protect his family.
Kill Count
Prince Harry spent several years in the military in different roles. During this time was the War on Afghanistan following 9/11. Personally, I found these chapters mostly dull. I wasn’t super interested in training methods/exercises, aircraft, and mission protocols.
But for some reviewers, these chapters really offended them. At one point Harry mentions that he killed 25 people. He also mentions that in war you can’t really view the enemy as humans. Many reviewers perceive this as callous and horrifying.
But the truth of the matter is, war is horrifying. The morality of that particular war and the decision by Bush to send troops can be up for debate, sure, but when a soldier is in war, I am not going to fault them for having to change their mentality in order to do their job.
I think it’s pretty safe to say that Harry was not targeting civilians. He was referencing other soldiers who were at war with him. The nature of war is two armies fighting each other. It’s not a good thing. People die on both sides.
If my country is going to send soldiers to fight to protect my country, I would like soldiers fighting who can complete the mission, who are willing to destroy the evil that threatens my family. And that mentality does not automatically mean the soldier fighting doesn’t care about humanity or that they enjoy killing people or do their job flippantly. That is a leap that is unfair to make and it seems like a lot of reviewers have made it when it comes to Harry.
Harry appears to have also done a lot in terms of caring for and helping veterans, which is an honorable thing. To me that shows his view of humanity more than the fact that he knows his ‘kill count’— which, by the way, is an aggressive phrasing and not what Harry used to talk about it.
I would also point out that speaking about war is a hard thing. Maybe he worded things in a way that could have been better, but unless you have been in action, I wouldn’t criticize his transparency and honesty in revealing to us how he felt when he was serving.
Reading those chapters did not give me a sense of irreverence on his part in what he was doing. I think he felt the weight and the burden of war and of lives at stake. There is no good outcome of war. It’s not the nature of it so I don’t know what people want from him.
We can debate the merits and ethics of war, but let’s not criticize soldiers fighting in a war for killing. Especially if we haven’t served in the military ourselves.
I read a BBC article that said: “Responding to the prince's comments [in his book], a senior Taliban leader Anas Haqqani tweeted: "Mr Harry! The ones you killed were not chess pieces, they were humans; they had families who were waiting for their return...”
It’s pretty rich coming from a Taliban leader after they attacked the WTC killing thousands of civilians to try to guilt trip Harry about what he said. I won’t be aligning my moral compass with a Taliban leader, but suit yourself.
I also think it’s insane that the press continued to release information about Harry’s military deployments, etc when they knew he was a big target for the Taliban. And the Taliban vocalized it, it wasn’t just a precaution to keep his location under wraps. The press put not only Harry at risk but every other soldier around him. How is that okay?
Errors?
The thing about this book is that it is just Harry’s side. I’m not here to defend every word and chapter. I don’t know if he’s telling the truth. I have no way to really fact-check the things that matter.
But if I have the choice between what Harry says happened and what The Telegraph says happened…. I’m probably going to believe Harry.
Of course, there are some things that can be checked and reviewers are quick to point them out.
For example, Harry says he got an Xbox in 1997 but it hadn’t been released yet.
Or he said Meghan wore jeans and a black sweater to their first date but she says it was a blue dress.
Or he said he was at Eton when he found out his grandma died, but he was actually elsewhere.
I mean, wow. The nerve. C’mon Harry. You messed up the facts about your Xbox, how can we believe anything else you’ve written?!?
Those are not the things I care about fact-checking, but I can’t seem to sift through the trivial rants to get to the things I do care about, so I’m just going to have to believe Harry but hold it lightly until more evidence comes to light one way or the other.
I know there’s got to be things missing from his version that would shed more light on the situation. I’m sure he portrays himself in certain arguments with his family members in a more positive light than he probably was. I’m not reading the book with rose-colored glasses, but from the brief research I did, I could not find any major discrepancies that have been ‘debunked’ or the Crown deeming worthy to correct. Feel free to inform me if you know of something, but only if it’s a legitimate and trustworthy source.
Rude, Privileged, Spoiled
Then we get to the reviewers who just can’t stand him. He lived a privileged life and now he’s complaining and airing all the family laundry to the world. He’s throwing his brother and dad under the bus. They just can’t even with him.
Well, here’s the thing. ‘Privileged’ people can have feelings too. They are allowed to have struggles. The Royal Family removed his security abruptly (while his family was receiving threats and hateful messages) and his money was taken away. I think he’s allowed to be upset and worried about that.
I think it’s reasonable for him to feel that way without being attacked for it. As he writes, he was never allowed to have a very independent life. His employment was for the Crown in exchange for them paying for all of his needs. It is expensive to hire security— which, like it or not, he needed— so it’s rational for him to be hurt that his family would do that to his family knowing the danger they could be in.
Yes, this book is a way to make money. Yes, his interview with Oprah and the show they did, and all that, is a way to make money. But I can’t really blame him for coming up with ways to provide for his family. Plus, it was finally an opportunity for him to have a voice when before he was silenced left and right.
I would want a chance to tell the world the truth too.
Is it right for him to expose his own family? I don’t know. Maybe he shared too many personal details, especially in regards to his brother and Kate. Maybe it won’t bring the reconciliation he hopes for. But it seems like his family did a lot to push him into a place where this felt like his only option.
I think a lot of the people who are annoyed that Harry is ‘complaining’ just don’t like people who are ‘privileged.’ Which I don’t even know what that means anymore. But it’s not like Harry was complaining that he was only served roasted duck as a child instead of hot dogs and Mac and cheese. People who live in big houses and have a lot of money are still people. Their lives look different than ours. But that doesn’t disqualify them from experiencing pain or going through hardship.
I hardly think Harry’s qualms with the Royal Family would be classified as whining from what I know.
Should the Royal Family even be a thing anymore? Harry says yes. He says it only costs the taxpayers the price of “a pint a year.” (which is a lot less than I thought if I’m understanding what a pint is…) He makes a good point that the RF brings a lot of tourism and revenue to the country. They do a lot of charitable work. Those are good things that benefit a lot of people.
A royal family still seems weird to me when there is a Prime Minister and Parliament, etc. I don’t think I would miss it if it got dissolved but I also can’t picture a way to safely dissolve it. Security, property allotment, loss of employment, etc. Seems a mess.
But ‘royalty’ is a weird concept to me.
The Spare
I think ‘Spare’ was a good title for the book and really sets the tone for him telling his story and struggle with his grief and his purpose. William, the oldest, was the Heir.
“The Heir and the Spare… I was the shadow, the support, the Plan B. I was brought into the world in case something happened to Willy. I was summoned to provide backup, distraction, diversion, and, if necessary, a spare part. Kidney, perhaps… This was all made explicitly clear to me from the start of life’s journey and regularly reinforced thereafter.”
It would be hard as a kid, born into a family like that, and told he’s the backup. His older brother was the focus and the first protected.
This difference in responsibility and expectation eventually widened the disconnect between him and William.
This is one of those instances when you really question the purpose of a Royal Family. The burden it places on kids, the expectation set for life that they never asked for and maybe never wanted. I feel sorry for people in that family and understand Harry’s existential struggle.
Some Other Randos
Starburst used to be called Opal Fruits and was sold in the UK with a black currant flavor. And apparently these were made a little different than Starburst are now today and it’s a big deal.
I really didn’t need to know that he stuck his head in a carcass or “I went to the North Pole and now my South Pole is on the fritz.”
He uses shorthand for the paparazzi— paps— and as a verb form— papped— and I had a bit of a mental problem with this abbreviation because it’s the same abbreviation for pap smears and that’s a whole different vibe.
He claims to shop at TK Maxx (TJ Maxx for Americans). I don’t know how frugal he actually his with money, but I think it was interesting for him to make sure to talk about his shopping and in the next breath point out his dad’s Audi whenever he told of story of them driving.
Combine that with his experiences in Africa and I think he portrayed his view of money in a particular way that may or may not be accurate.
I’m pretty positive I have to be wrong on this, but I couldn’t not pronounce the name of his friend, Euge, like the way Trump says ‘huge’.
Okay, so the story about the Tabasco and the pudding? He never tells the rest of the story and I’m a bit miffed about that. I want to know what happened.
The book is not really formatted by chapters but by continuous ‘sections’ or some may call vignettes. There are no page breaks. Sometimes I liked this formatting when I was reading, but other times it made it hard to find a good stopping point.
Conclusion
This was a long review because when I finished reading it and reading other reviews I felt compelled to share my own opinions about it all. Turns out I had a lot to say.
Obviously if you’re obsessed with the Royal Family, you’ll want to read this.
If you could care less about the RF, you may want to pass. It wasn’t super exciting and earth-shattering and may just make you mad about stuff.
If you’re somewhere in between, like I probably am, it may be an interesting read and give some more context to the headlines we see. It seems fair to consider what Harry has to say instead of letting the media or the highly curated Crown staff to have the last word.
I’m still not Harry’s biggest fan but at least I’m more informed about his story.
[Content Advisory: A couple handfuls of f-words and s-words; a story of his frostbit private part; drug and alcohol abuse; war stories]
This book released in January, 2023. You can order a copy of this book using my affiliate link below.
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