I’m Glad My Mom Died
I’m Glad My Mom Died
By: Jennette McCurdy
[Winner for ‘Best Memoir/Biography’ for the 2022 Goodreads Choice Awards Reading Challenge]
[Fulfilled ‘A memoir by a celebrity’ for Shelf Reflection’s 2023 Reading Challenge]
“I tried desperately to understand and know my mother— what made her sad, what made her happy— at the expense of ever really knowing myself.”
Jenny Lawson, author of Broken (in the best possible way), says of I’m Glad My Mom Died: “How can a book be so sad and also so funny?… [it] is hysterical and heartbreaking and fascinating all at the same time.”
Although there was some good sarcasm and funny internal dialogue while the author talked to her therapists, and some good lines— like the ‘umless guy’ and “the amount of times I’ve thought buying plants might make a difference in my life is staggering”— it was very minor compared to the sadness and heartbreaking story of how Jennette McCurdy’s mom ruined her life and in doing so also prevented her from developing healthy ways to deal with the trauma.
This is a story that gives us an inside look at the grueling life of acting, especially for kids. It exposes the real struggles of eating disorders and poor body image. It reveals the emotional and physical damage a mother can cause for a daughter. It describes the intense emotional and physical struggle of recovery.
It is hard to read. It is not a ‘fun’ read. But it’s honest and real.
The title is meant to shock. Really it was a good marketing title because it’s so unnatural to say or read that I’m guessing it got a lot of attention for it— though mostly misleading I think.
The title is intentionally overly simplistic. The book is not a mom-hating book as much as a ‘This is what my life was like. This is what my mom did to me. This is why I am the way I am right now. And even though I hate my mom for it and I’m glad I’m free of her, why do I still feel love and attachment and am protective of her?’
I read this book for my reading challenge, not because I knew who Jennette McCurdy was. I had never heard of her. I never watched iCarly or Sam & Cat (the two shows she is most known for).
Jennette’s mom, who was ‘denied’ a career as an actress by her parents, was determined to live vicariously through her daughter. She forced her to become a child actor at the age of six.
“I want to give you the life I deserved. The life my parents wouldn’t let me have.”
Forced is the right word, but the wrong visual picture. The accurate visual is a pattern of manipulation and emotional abuse. She conditioned Jennette to attend to her every need and feeling, to cater to her and do whatever she could to make sure her mother was happy. To the severe detriment of her own life.
“The fragility of Mom’s life is the center of mine.”
Jennette’s mother suffered from a whole host of things. She successfully battled cancer when Jennette was only two, though her cancer history would be a regular topic of conversation, employed for sympathy in many occurrences, and a fear of it returning wielded as a weapon. Her mom was also a hoarder and a narcissist. She was anorexic and taught her daughter to adapt her unhealthy eating habits and relationship to food and her body at the tender age of 11.
The issues compounded on each other and left Jennette hurt, confused, angry, and dependent.
This book is divided into two parts: Before and After.
The event at which the book is split and thus named, is the death of her mother. Death from the return of her cancer.
As a reader you really feel the growth of the relationship between Jennette and her mom, the tension of a daughter wanting to please her mother but then realizing her mother is not caring for her as a mother should. In fact, she has really stolen her childhood and her innocence. You feel her emotional turmoil at loving her mother but being glad to be free of her manipulation and abuse.
“I know I’ve grown bitter. I know I’ve grown resentful. But I don’t care. I feel like that show robbed me of my youth, of a normal adolescence where I could experience life without every little thing I did being critiqued, discussed, or ridiculed.”
‘That show’ being iCarly, which— after many small parts in a variety of shows or movies— became her big break. She was a Nickelodeon star. It is quite remarkable that she could become so good at something she actually despised. Her dedication to her mother and the control her mother had over her is also astounding.
She continued to grow in fame and recognition but realized she was more and more unhappy.
“She wanted this. And I wanted her to have it. I wanted her to be happy. But now that I have it, I realize that she’s happy and I’m not. Her happiness came at the cost of mine. I feel robbed and exploited.”
Her feelings are accurate.
Eventually she starts to resist the persona she has been shackled to at Nickelodeon. But even this leads to more trauma.
“The second the child star tries to outgrow and break free from their image, they become bait for the media, highly publicized as rebellious, troubled, and tortured, when all they’re trying to do is grow.”
It really changes your perspective on child actors and makes you realize that there is so much about celebrities’ lives that we are not privy to. Things are never as simple as the media and tabloids depict. Jennette inspires us to be empathetic when we see stars going through hard times. Not to excuse all the poor choices and harmful behavior, but to understand that there are probably a lot of factors at play behind the scenes that contributed to events that make the papers.
It makes me wonder about all the other child actors. How many of them experienced varying degrees of parental pressure that kept them in a place they didn’t want to be in? A place that increased their stress and messed with their body image and self-worth?
As a parent it reminds me of the power and control I can have over my kids. Power that is dangerous to utilize. It reminds me to let my kids be kids and to keep my own emotions and struggles from being problems I make them feel responsible for. I think as parents we can manipulate even in small ways that we don’t recognize. We’re hopefully not versions of Jennette’s mom, but manipulation is still manipulation and we should strive to listen to our kids, give them a voice, and allow them to make their own choices (obviously within reason…).
In some ways this book reminds me of Jeannette Well’s (whoa, similar name) book The Glass Castle which describes the ways her own parents failed to care for her and her siblings. It’s not the same circumstances, but both gave me a lot of anxiety and anger while reading.
One difference I like about this book over The Glass Castle is that McCurdy correctly identifies her mother’s problems and responds understandably. Wells seems to excuse her parent’s behavior, almost explaining and defending it rather than wishing for restitution. That always bothered me.
A parent is supposed to care for their kids in all the ways because children are vulnerable and susceptible and because that’s how you love someone. And when parents fail to do so, it is not okay. McCurdy is honest about her love/hate relationship and exposing the wrongness of her mother, but Wells seems to see the world through rose-colored glasses and seems to see her parents as ‘different’ rather than abusive. (At least according to my memory of what/how I read her book)
The chapters here are nice and short and depict various encounters or stories that defined Jennette’s life, her own mental and physical struggles.
There is a significant writing voice change about halfway through as Jennette grows up. She goes from a naive, innocent, sad girl trying to be a good Mormon to an angry, ‘f-this’ using, alcoholic, bulimic girl stuck between knowing the damage her mom is causing but still striving to please her.
The second half contains a lot more swearing and sexual encounters— described in a somewhat clinical way as Jennette is experiencing new things. I would have preferred not to have so much detail.
Some reviewers critique Jennette for ‘whining’ about her privilege. I disagree with this. Just because she was famous and had money doesn’t mean she can’t have trauma. It doesn’t mean that she has to enjoy her life. It doesn’t mean she can’t be honest about her feelings.
It didn’t come across ‘privileged’ to me at all.
And sure she was able to pay for a therapist in ways others can’t. We’re going to penalize her for this?! Reading about her recovery, it’s clear that she needed this kind of involvement. Why should she feel bad that she could afford to do that?
I get the feeling that writing this book has been part of her recovery process. A way for her to process her thoughts. I think it’s courageous for her to put it all out there. Perhaps some of it could have been written differently; it’s not a perfect book.
And because it jumped around a little bit, it was hard to track her age ad emotional status throughout the book. It made it difficult to view each encounter contextually correctly because of that.
I also don’t feel like we get the whole story- her brothers’ side of things is missing, though that’s clearly intentional for their own privacy and it’s not her story to tell. But I’m very curious to get their point of view of the situation and how they were affected by all of it. They couldn’t have come away unscathed.
Recommendation
If you were looking for a comedic memoir, this is not it.
If you have a hard time reading about abuse or eating disorders, this is not for you.
It feels weird to recommend people read a really sad and hard to read book. However, it does give insight into the struggles child actors face, the emotional battle of eating disorders, and the hard work it takes to recover from abuse and body image problems.
It also reminds us that things aren’t always what they seem and we should consider we probably shouldn’t make assumptions about people just because they seem to ‘have it all.’
I guess read at your own risk.
[Content Advisory: a lot of f- and s-words in the second half; trigger warnings for eating disorders, alcoholism, and abuse; graphic sexual content in the second half as well]
**Also I will never be able to un-read the phrase “puke-toilet-paper-dingleberries” which is one of the grossest things I can think of.
This book released August, 2022. You can order a copy of this book using my affiliate link below.
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